Ceol Mo Chridhe

It's a strange twisted feeling, this emptiness.

I hate the way you manage to mess up my emotions.


and yes I'll bring you to the zoo and can we please sing to the polar bears ♥

I am listening to the rain and that makes me happy.

The past few days/nights have been a blur of ProjectWork and ProjectWork and More ProjectWork. I'm really glad the WrittenReport's out of the way, much sleep and brain cells have been lost over it; it also managed to cause me much panic and distress. Not that it was entirely bad, I pretty much enjoyed the reprieve from home.

And now I will (finally) get some sleep.

much love and a big hug to all of you, everything'll be alright, we'll do fine. ♥

I realise I haven't been posting because I have been sleeping at decent hours and I am able to articulate my thoughts most coherently at times like this so I have not had opportunity to post.

What is it to really know someone? What would define knowing a person? And then I realise that people either know me, or not at all. There're no in-betweens really. Those that do know me, many times it's because they can comprehend without a need for much words on my part. It's like a mutual understanding, both parties silently knowing, and knowing that the other knows. Where unspoken thoughts are wordlessly affirmed, conversations can be carried out without any exchange of words. In such muted discourse I find oftentimes the greatest comfort and strength. They're the ones that can articulate for you the emotions you're trying so hard to express, they're the ones that understand without you having to explain anything, they're the ones that can say I know to what you say without lying because they do know. And the knowledge that someone knows is sometimes oddly relieving.

The above seems now to me to be an inchoate mass of ideas, pardon me if I make no sense.



Blessed birthday my dear girl, I love you. Maybe I've said this before but I must say it again, you're one of the people in my life I am most thankful for. You're one of those that I dare say know me better than I know myself, and thank you for all the times you've stood by me and helped me stand up again when I fell and supported me and kept me going and you know I'll do the same for you. Coffee date soon alright I miss you quite badly. Love!

of yellow trailers and purple ducks and quinten and neema.

scares me that I've reached the point whereby I don't even want to try anymore, because I know it's hopeless.

Baby, what's wrong, where're you hurting, why? Please stop, I don't want you to turn out like me. Don't, please, you're breaking my heart. I cannot bear to see someone I love walking down this same path of self-destruction. You know I love you, though I never say it; you're still a baby in my eyes. I'll protect you, I'd take all your pain for you, just stop doing this to yourself, please.

I haven't felt this helpless in a long time, unable to stop someone this close yet so far from going on this downward spiral. I can't help but blame myself, for not noticing the signs for not being able to stop her for not being a good example for not taking better care of her things would have not gotten to this stage had I paid more attention and cared more.

To those hurting troubled weary tired despairing helpless souls, so many around me lately, here's a big hug for you I love you hold your head high heavy heart ♥

To my friends, I love you all. I'm sorry if I wasn't able to smile for you today, thank you all for your hugs and words of encouragement. You all made the day much more bearable. Tomorrow will be a better day, ♥.

Jaded, goodnight.

When your weary heart is tired
If the world would leave you uninspired
When nothing more of love's desire
My blessing goes with you

When the storms of life are strong
When you're wounded, when you don't belong
When you no longer hear my song
My blessing goes with you.

Must. Focus. Must. Not. Panic.

Don't panic don't panic don't panic don't panic don't panic.

breathe.

goodnight ♥

Sweetheart, what're you doing? Why're you doing this? You won't see this, I know I've never told you this but, I love you. I'm sorry I've not been a good example, I'm sorry if I've never seemed to care. Please stop, no more, it breaks my heart.

I'm tired, my eyes feel like they're on fire, this is really hopeless, I don't want to care anymore.

Jesus, take the wheel
take it from my hands
'cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

and letting go doesn't mean giving up.

Because maybe darling you’ve got to start living for yourself. No need to put on that smile for everyone, your smile’s much more beautiful when you do mean it. You don’t always have to be strong for others, you’ve gotta start learning to love yourself more. Maybe you've got to learn to stop giving and start receiving, I can be everything you need. I love you very much, you're one of the people I appreciate most in my life.


three days more, I feel like I'm fighting for a lost cause, hopeless battle. Maybe I look like I don't really care, like I'm not worried; but I'm really vacillating betwixt denial and panic (which spirals into despair soon enough), and making myself believe that I don't care is actually the lesser evil.

It is 0450 I have wasted many hours doing absolutely nothing at all. I'm jaded, goodnight.

I've been refraining from posting because each entry takes at least an hour to properly formulate, and I don't have that kind of time to waste.


Telling others you're okay is one thing, convincing yourself you are is different matter altogether.
I would write more but it's almost 0300.


goodnight ♥

( to a special friend, )


( This is my wish for you: )

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
- C.S. Lewis

To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.
- Rollo May


there, that was what I was trying to tell you, just not half as elegantly.


Sometimes I wonder what right have I to be miserable, what reason is there, when others have it so much worse. When their life as they know it crumbles overnight before their eyes and they have to be strong and they still manage a smile for everyone, manage to carry on.
I have no right to be unhappy, nothing to be discontented or miserable about.
Three quotes today, because the words refuse to flow.
I should be spending my time on better things.

 

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you want to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it to all stop spinning."

—Perks Of Being A Wallflower

♥.

hey girl.
I've never told you this, but I love you. You're a strong girl, but remember it's okay to not be alright, we're all here for you. Love.

let me heal your wounded heart.



To those who have been there for me, thank you. I wouldn't have been able to make it through this week if not for all your support.
Today I had a good breakfast, thank you (:

I'd like to believe that one's capacity to love is boundless, but how much can one give without receiving in return? How much can you milk off an empty soul? Yet there are people who give and give and keep giving and squeezing themselves dry for others, burning out for others, leaving nothing for themselves, such that they lose the ability and forget how to love and take care of themselves. Or maybe it is that they feel they do not deserve love and so they stop loving themselves and channel their whole being into loving and caring for others and trying to ensure their happiness, and hinge their own worth on what they can do for others. And then there are others who just take and take and flippantly throw all that love they get around, trample it underfoot. How can one constantly give their all and the other simply disregard it? What happens to the one who keeps giving and not taking, how is it possible to sustain that empty weary heart while wringing it dry for others? Maybe it's only possible to love fully by learning to receive some too.

The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.


When the storms of life are strong
When you're wounded, when you don't belong
When you no longer hear my song
My blessing goes with you

sometimes maybe all we need is a little love to keep us going.





0324, goodnight ♥

( forest choirs and withering flames )

I've been trying to phrase (other) stuff for the past few hours but it just won't come out right.
I'll leave that for when I figure it out then.



( how fragile the world can be )



incoherent, much.

It's 0518 I take one hour to make one post oh dear.
I'm tired but not sleepy but sleep is good so I shall sleep, goodnight ♥.

hush now, sleep, goodnight, ♥.

today, daddy bought a new weighing machine- the smart kind, that tells you stuff other than your weight. Mr Weighing Machine told my parents they were Normal, my sister she was Too Lean, and told me I was Fat.

hey dear, don't feel bad, it isn't your fault, it's no one's really. It's natural to hesitate, to be scared, after being broken and hurt time and time again. But I hope that soon, you'll find someone who'll teach you to learn to trust and hope and believe and love and laugh and live, again. Love you.


I think I'll try and sleep early today, math remedial tomorrow morning and blank minds are not good for math. My mind is most active when I least need it to be, like now.

tata.